Freeze Yourself: Visiting the Future with Cryogenics

This class has passed
This class has passed

What’s it all about?

Do you long to visit the future? Is the impending release of the iPhone 76S too exciting to miss? Well, no longer do you have to risk spaghetification in wormhole traversal, or dabble in demonic arts (who has the patience anyway?). Cryogenics is now well in the reach of the average person!

Meet Kanye (Junior) West-Kardashian-Schwarzenegger, the famed existential philosopher. Ride a hoverboard through Paris, New York, or the maze of skyscrapers in Oodnadatta. Eat delicious dodo (brought to you by GenePlus De-Extincter Ray) and even more delicious crocoduck (bought to you by GenePlus Super-Hybrider Ray), but stay clear of the Soylent Green.

If you have no interest in the future (and fair enough too: how many more seasons of My Kitchen Rules can we really take?) but would instead like to visit the past, we’ve got you covered. If time is not linear, but instead goes in a giant circle, then you’ll be able to see the dinosaurs roaming through great conifer forests, be there when Julius Caesar first meets Cleopatra, and finally get to say that really clever thing to that jerk that you only thought of later that night.

What will we cover?

It’s not as hard to freeze yourself as you might think! All you need is:

  • A couple of bags of ice-cubes,
  • 3 chopsticks,
  • A BR700 cryogenic fluid unit, coupled with five NQ34g-66 Helium-2 pumps, a human-cryo interface (either a FreezeTech 91C, or a ColdHaven Z00012) and a Happy Times (TM) organ protection system.
  • A medium sized bathtub,
  • An alarm clock. Very important: you don’t want to wake up after the universe has ended!

It will seem like no time at all, and once you wake up you will be in a beautiful new world, full of magic and surprises! Note: Laneway Learning does not guarantee the world will be beautiful, pleasant, or even habitable. We do guarantee surprises though. Be sure to pack sunscreen and a few bottles of breathable air.

There will be time at the end to cover common questions, including:

  • What happened to my legs?
  • When was the human race conquered by the Flubonians from Alpha Centauri?
  • I don’t speak Flubonian: where can I get cheap lessons? (answer: Laneway Learning of course!)

Who will be teaching?

April Fulsdei, the brilliant teacher of Training Ocelots for Fun and Profit returns exactly one year later for another class. Having earned a doctorate in Quasi-Ethical Low Temperature Physics (after an unfortunate incident with an ocelot and a member of a European Royal Family necessitated a career change), she now works for Happy Times Science Conglomerate, a division of EvilCorp. She has visited the future on 12 separate occasions, and the past on one occasion (a sensitive topic, as the resulting paradox almost annihilated the universe, if it weren’t for the quick thinking of Kanye Junior).